I was delighted to have a chance to sit down with Lila recently to discuss my new book on the politics of estrangement— the ideologically-driven version of the no contact movement.
The subject of adult kids going no contact with parents is a delicate one in many ways. I qualify in the interview that there are clearly just reasons people have for making this decision. Abuse of various sorts or severe addictions are a couple of examples why such a decision might have to be made and my book is not about such situations.
My point is not to litigate anyone’s personal experience with estrangement, but rather to analyze the sharp rise of an emerging trend of a more ideologically-driven form of it. In the years since the publication of Awake, Not Woke, I’ve traveled across the country speaking to audiences about ideology, family, and culture. During Q&A, one question surfaced again and again: “What do I do about my grown children who have not only left the faith and values they were raised with, but have cut us off over it?”
That question reflects a painful reality, supported by data. According to late 2024 polling from the American Psychiatric Association, one in five Americans (21%) say they’ve become estranged from a family member over politics or ideology; 22% have blocked a relative on social media; 19% have skipped family gatherings for the same reason. These statistics translate into tens of millions of Americans and underscore a cultural moment in which even our most intimate relationships are increasingly vulnerable to public division. The polarization in civic society now cuts through the heart of millions of family homes.
While one might be required to cut family ties in certain abusive contexts, a broader and more universal claim has emerged—that the institution of family itself is arbitrary, that it serves harmful power interests, that society can evolve beyond it, and that the people and identities we choose are by definition far more significant than the ones we are given. The view that the family is a social invention and not a natural reality with claims on us raises complex questions, not only about what family means, but what it means to be human and what ramifications such a shift might have on civic life.
Family dynamics are inherently complex, making it tempting to avoid deeply interrogating the phenomenon of estrangement, as it often feels too varied, emotionally charged, and subjective. Who would willingly choose such a painful path? It seems likely that very few make the decision to go no contact lightly. However, there are significant cultural, ideological, and psychological currents fueling this rising trend—forces that may operate beyond the conscious awareness of any one individual. We see this similarly in cases of marital estrangement. The likelihood that one will initiate a divorce increases significantly when he or she knows someone else who is getting a divorce, indicating how social contagion can act a strong driver of our behavior (in addition to the evolving ideological currents).
The line between the tragically necessary and the tragically unnecessary kinds of estrangement is not always clear, but precisely because it is not clear we must examine the drivers of estrangement carefully—especially since we are seeing such a sharp rise in the occurrence of it.
Examining a phenomenon that touches on deeply personal experiences of others is undeniably fraught. Yet, this same complexity should push us to seek a balanced perspective. On one hand, the complexity should serve to warn us against dismissing estrangement as a trivial or passing trend; on the other, it reminds us of how vulnerable any of us might be to error in our own lives when grappling with such complexity. The stakes, then, make deeper analysis both a challenging task and a responsibility too important to ignore.
While I do make this qualifier in the interview, it seemed worth fleshing out a bit more since many are understandably sensitive about this topic. Yes, sometimes no contact is necessary. But when estrangement becomes a movement, we have crossed into new territory. That is what my work—and my interview with Lila—seeks to examine. Please let me know in the comments what you think of the interview and subscribe to follow my work on this matter among others.
The whole No-Contact movement operates just like a cult. Except for sexual or ongoing physical violence, it's simply a way to separate families, leaving both parties more vulnerable to others. No parent is perfect; neither is any child. The No-Contact Cult leaves no room for grace, reconciliation, or differences of opinion. Instead it's "my way or the highway" - usually on the child's part. It's a way for adult children whose lives didn't turn out the way they planned to avoid personal responsibility and instead blame someone else.
Sad all around. It's definitely on the rise, encouraged by the positive affirmation the adult child receives on social media.
I can't watch because there's a bot wall that asks me to sign in to show I'm not a bot....but without any way to sign in. Too bad because this issue resonates with my husband and me. We have three amazing and beloved adult children who had normal upbringing in a faithfully Catholic home, and who were close to us into their early twenties. Then everything changed. EVERYTHING. Two are no longer in contact at all. One is sort of reconciled but things are fragile right now. I would say this started about ten years ago and totally fell apart five years ago. We don't understand this and have tried to talk to them, but have only been told we should know the reasons and if we don't, there's no point in having them explained. I grieved for years. My husband is baffled. Then, a few years ago, I found out that we're not alone and I started on the road to recovery. We are doing okay now. Too bad this happened, but a lot of people have lost children, and at least ours are out there somewhere presumably leading their lives the way they want. Anyway, I can't wait to read your book! Too many parents have been devastated by this and are ashamed to talk about it because it's seen as a profound failure at the most important role in life. Thanks for addressing this.